Insignificantly Yours

Once in awhile, I struggle with feeling insignificant.  Here I am with the same old list of to do's: laundry, dishes, toilets, floors.  So, I strive to cheerfully remember to "do all to the glory of God." Mothering is a lonely job that is only noticed when it is not done.

And then the little attacks come.  "Are you really doing anything of importance with your life?"  "Look at so and so.  She has a career.  You gave up yours for your family. Now look at you, and they don't even appreciate you.  And you are forever needing more money.  If you only worked."  "I mopped today. The kids were educated.  We have clean clothes."  It doesn't seem like much, checking boxes on my list.

It is so tempting to give in to these thoughts.  Sometimes I struggle with feeling that I am uninteresting, simple, unneeded.  This is a battle I must win.  I am truly grateful to be home.  I do see the value.  But the struggle gets harder the older my kids get.

I think perhaps that I have been too busy lately.  I have been caught up in the world of band parent.  I have been making an extra effort to get my social kids to their church group an hour away two or three times a week.  I have been volunteering in Sunday school.  I am a small group leader.  I have a million things on my mind trying to get my oldest off to college next fall.  College is a huge deal and requires a lot of mental energy that I did not count on.  On top of it all is this crazy election that has me perplexed and upset at best.  Toss in a crazy hurricane and I am now officially worried about people I love in Florida.   I need fall break.  I am really looking forward to this fall break!!!

Looking Back

It occurred to me recently that I have been in a LONG season of loss.  I did not "feel" the weary weightiness of these losses until the other day when it "dawned" on me that this was what was happening.

Moving three years ago was a big loss.  I moved away from my church and family.  I am fortunately able to still go to our church and see my family, but it is an hour way on a busy highway that really stresses me out.  Of course, I am blessed to have a house and I am thankful.  I plan to make the most of living down here, but I do long to move back home one day soon.

A year after we moved, my maternal grandmother passed away.  She was such a pillar of my life!  I had already lost my maternal grandfather a couple years before her, another severe loss.  They were part of the air that I breathed! They were a big part of who I was!

Another year passed, almost exactly a year later, and my paternal grandmother suddenly passed away from cancer.  I spent the next year mourning, but accepting God's timing of this devastating loss.  She was the kind of grandmother who was also a good friend.  I looked to her for guidance as well as love.  She left a big void.

I feel these losses very deeply. And now, we are ramping up to experience another kind of loss, our oldest is about to go to college next year.  Every day he separates a bit more than the day before.  I worry about his heart and I see him make decisions that do not honor God.  I have fears and worries that I need to give up to God and trust that he will not depart from the truth that he has grown up in.  I know that this is just part of the normal progression of growing up, and it is hardest the first time that parents go through this life change.  It still brings up a lot of questions like, "Did we do our best?"

These are all natural part of life losses and they are hard.  I thank God that I have put my faith, hope, and trust in Him.  I pray that through these losses I can hold fast to my faith and bring Him glory.  It is hard.  I want to pout some days and cry on others.  I am writing this to be transparent.  Life is messy.  Life is hard.  No one has it all together.  But there is hope!

Late Summer Thoughts

This was a challenging summer.  The drought and heat took it's toll on all of us.  We were reminded that we are pretty much helpless without rain.  There is nothing we can do except pray and wait.  Thankfully, we got over an inch of rain this past weekend.  We are still many inches in deficit, unfortunately.  But, cooler weather and rain is in the forecast for tomorrow. 

Challenging is not always bad.  As my pastor says,"Life is hard, and hard is not bad. It's just hard."  I think part of the challenge was wanting to be carefree like the summers of my childhood.  That just isn't possible anymore.  I need to be OK with that.  Life is hard.  Hard is not bad.  It's hard. 

It wasn't a bad summer, really.  We got to do many things we enjoy.  We just didn't do as much as we planned.  All is not lost.  We have plenty of warm weather ahead of us.  Plenty of time to swim, camp, hike, grill outside, and general outside time.  Another great thing is that the bugs didn't bother us as much as usual, either, this summer. 

I suppose we are all a little wiser for this summer.  I certainly appreciate rain more than I ever imagined.  I recall being disappointed in rainy camping trips last summer. 

We learned how to keep plants alive, how to cool the house on a budget, how to rejoice over volunteer flowers when the seeds you carefully planted did not germinate.  We enjoyed a handful of green beans and a dozen cherry tomatoes!  We decided that farm markets were great, but not always in the budget. 

I think the best thing about this summer will turn out to be its end!  I am really looking forward to fall.  Perhaps healing rains will come.  Certainly the cooler air cannot stay away forever.  We hope to do a little fall camping, too.

First Fruits!

A harvest of sorts awaits us....

82 days after planting, the cherry tomato is going to give us a little taste!  The package said 70 days to maturation.  With this extreme heat and drought, I am happy to get anything at this point.

Our little sunflower bloomed yesterday, too!  I always feel so happy when I look at a sunflower.  And this one is kind of special, as it was a volunteer!  It's like a gift from above, encouraging me along my way.

This summer has been a hard one. I am deeply affected by the drought and heatwave.  I feel utterly helpless and dependent on my Father in Heaven for relief.  Yet, He doesn't chose to send relief to us.  So, I wait and hope....  and smile at this gift. 

Joy vs. Discontentment

Just got back from a lovely bike ride with my dear husband.  We took our matching 1980's Shwinns for a spin around our neighborhood.  It was a nice morning to be outside before the heat of the day starts taking over.  I so enjoyed our easy pace and conversation.  We remarked how we both enjoy being up early, even on a mid-week holiday. It might have been nice to sleep in, but we knew that this morning was our only chance to ride together until the weekend.  It's times like this morning that I find great joy in my life. 

Last night, I felt unrest in my heart.  We went $15 over budget buying extra food to have our family over for a cook out today.  Money can be very tight and I long to bless others, but there are not extra funds.

I sometimes feel frustrated that God does not choose to give me resources to bless others.  I feel bad when someone needs meals or has some other financial need and I cannot help them without taking food out of my family's mouths. 

So, I woke up this morning  thinking about how to increase my income, but in the end realized that finding ways to bless others does not always take money, if I give of myself, with a glad heart.  I also pray for others, with diligence.

I know that the Lord will provide.  He always does.  I am praying He will increase my giving budget and that I will continue to find ways to bless others in the meantime.